A NOT SO SILENT WEEK

March 4^th, 2012

I feel somewhat obligated to write about this week’s stress and emotional breakdowns.  Otherwise I could be misleading you into thinking that life in Brazil is nothing but this easy going wonderful paradise where I can celebrate Carnival, travel, eat exotic foods and watch soccer all day (although that last aspect wouldn’t exactly be included in my ideal paradise).

Full emersion and adapting to another country is always difficult, and traveling always takes its toll. My year in Europe was one of the most wonderful times of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, but it was also a lot of work.  Fortunately however it trained me well for my current struggle here in Brazil.  Before coming, I didn’t know what life would be like in Brazil or how it would feel to live here, or how I would adapt, or even if I would like it.  But I did know what it was like to move to a country where I knew none of these things, which in itself brought me comfort.  I had anticipated the events of this week and the stress it would cause, but of course anticipating anxiety or stress doesn’t really release much of the feeling when you are actually in it. 

March 3^rd 2012 Journal Entry:

Ugh, things have been so freaking difficult lately.  I’m so frustrated because I don’t know how to do anything!! Yesterday was awful, just one thing after another of me feeling so helpless and out of place.  I feel like a baby or like I'm handicapped! I can’t be left alone for more than 10 minutes without needing help.

Yesterday when I woke up and tried to take a shower, the hot water wasn’t working, neither was my computer, or the fan (which is a necessity in this heat).  The electricity was out, which in itself would only be mildly frustrating, but on top of all the other crap it felt tiresome. 

When I answered the intercom, a man was talking so fast and I couldn’t understand anything.  I kept saying in Portuguese that I was sorry but I didn’t understand, asking him to speak slower and trying to find out who he was, but I couldn’t understand any of his responses.  Finally I heard him say “luz….something something….luz…something something”.  I did know 'luz' meant light, so I figured it was probably an electrician.  I told him I’d come downstairs, thinking it would be easier to talk face to face, using hand gestures and what not.  But it wasn’t.  I still didn’t understand at all what the two men were talking about.  I haven’t been that clueless since I've been here.  I get myself around the city just fine, ordering food, asking for directions and carrying on any simple conversation. But he kept trying to give me some documents that I was supposed to sign…I think?  I just shook my head telling him I didn’t know what they were and didn’t want to sign them, but he kept trying to explain what they were, of course I still couldn’t understand, and the cycle continued. 

While standing there with those two electricians I just kept telling myself, “Seren just understand what they are saying! You can do this!! It’s not that hard, just beathe and think and you’ll understand!  You know the context of the conversation, electricity, that should make it easy to follow, what are the possible subjects they are talking about, you understood 'luz' so listen for another word you know…think of how to ask a yes or no question to narrow down the possibilities…don't get stressed, just stay calm, calmness will help you understand, focus. Just think and speak, think and speak, think and speak!” I tried so hard to will my way into comprehension but of course, language doesn’t really work that way.   

Finally the three of us agree, meaning through facial expressions, that the conversation is going nowhere because I clearly don’t have a clue as to what the hell is happening.  So I go back inside the apartment, where the electricity was now working.  Great.  But was still feeling frustrated and embarrassed by the encounter and my inability to communicate.

Everyday this week had been increasingly more and more stressful.  The day before this, I was locked in the house all day, because there was something stuck in the lock from the inside of the door, and could only be opened from the outside.  While stuck in the house I spent forever just trying to find sugar for the coffee I wanted to make. I searched every cabinet and place in the kitchen finding a lot of different white substances, all of which very interesting but none of which were sugar. Finally after asking for help from a family member who was currently on skype chat, I found the sugar...but of course, I couldn’t work the espresso machine, because the freaking handle was jammed!

I've been feeling helpless all week. I don’t know where to find scissors , or a pen, or how to turn on the TV, or where to find batteries for the remote, or a strainer for my pasta, or oil for cooking, or a rag for the water I spilt or ANYTHING!  Not to mention the still daily battle with the keys and locks on this freaking door!  It’s like every little thing is just so much harder to do! And something that should be really simple like making pasta, becomes a full day event.  And I’m SO TIRED OF NOT KNOWING WHAT IS GOING ON!

The rest of that day with the electricians just got worse. Daniel had gotten caught up with something at work which stuck me waiting for 2 and a half hours for him.  Then later,  I ended up walked around the city in extreme heat, which has been up to 98 degrees this week, which with added humidity basically equals me walking around in my own sweat for hours.

At the end of the day, I was really on edge.  I just wanted to go in the house, eat and go to sleep to wake up to a new day, one with less difficulty, perhaps one where everyone magically spoke English and I knew where everything was and how it all worked?  Then, once again I was locked out for over an hour because someone had locked the wrong lock, to which I do not have a key, AGAIN.  At that point, with my key in the door, NOT WORKING, I broke down in tears.

The silver lining however, even with all the stress this week, is that my frustration combined with my natural resilience and determination made for a great come back.  After my emotional breakdown I became even more motivated to learn this language. I realized that in order for me to be independent here I need to be able to understand and speak Portuguese.  So the hardcore studying has begun.  I bought a notebook, wrote down over 100 verbs and their conjugations in both past and present, teaching myself through online sites and studying for hours the regular and irregular verbs, memorizing as much as possible. 

I am speeding through my notecards and have memborized hundreds of vocabulary words.  I am obsessively paying attention to conversations, asking about the words I don't understand.  And perhaps the most evidence of my persistence is that after reading the two English books I brought here (which with all my waiting and getting locked out, I have finished much faster than anticipated), I bought a small childrens book in Portuguese. I read the first chapter without looking up any words, then looked up all the words I didn’t know, wrote them in, and read it again. I will do this for every chapter in this book, I will learn all 1000 of my Portuguese verb and vocabulary cards, and DAMNIT I WILL LEARN PORTUGUESE!