Home Sweet Home

Photo I took from Grizzly Peak last year!
My favorite view of the Bay.

I can’t believe that my time here in Brazil is coming to an end, nor can I believe that it has been 10 months already. Although I learned a lot here, had wonderful experiences, learned Portuguese, opened my mind to yet another culture and way of living, met amazing people, and made good friends...I’m ready to go home.

When I was young I always wanted to get away.  I felt confined in some way like I was being put in a cage not able to actually be who I am or see what I want to see or do what I want to do or who I want to do it with.  I viewed the “outer” world as this magical place that must be better than the one I come from.  A magical place filled with opportunity, and mystery and passion and excitement.  And for many years that proved to be so.  It seemed as though home, although filled with love and nourishment, was dull, uneventful and well, sorry to say it, boring. 

As young as 11 I wrote in my dairy that I wanted to travel the world.  With eleven years old, not knowing hardly anything about geography I listed a surprising number of cities and countries I wanted to visit.

At 16 I flew alone to Toulouse France to visit a family friend studying abroad, and we traveled together through France to Paris and then on to Budapest. That was my first time leaving the country, and I loved everything about it. I remember thinking that I was right, that the rest of the world had so much more to offer than boring old California, and I couldn’t understand how anyone could want to stay in one place.

And as years went on, the more I traveled the more I wanted to travel.  Every place I could cross of my list inspired 10 more places I wanted to visit.  The more I saw the less I wanted to be home.  The truth is it wasn’t “home” I was running away from it was familiarity, familiarity of any kind. Home to me represented something I already knew, something I had already explored, something absolutely useless to my list of things to do and places to go, and a place, I thought, had no room for growth. 

I wanted, no I NEEDED to see more, and so I did. 

Over the last 7 years since that French adventure, I have had a good share of good and bad, healthy and dangerous, and wonderful and tragic experiences.

And I love that. I love all of it. The good and the bad, the best and the worst. And I want to keep seeing the world, I want to keep experiencing it all.  The more I see the more I realize I haven’t seen anything.  I want to live in another country again and speak another language, and I think I will…but, for right now, this very moment, I want familiarity.   

No matter how many places you go or how hard you look you will never and can never find another home.  So I suppose this post is to you, mom and dad and brother and good friends that come as close to family as they get: I miss you all and can’t wait to spend the holidays with you. 

I will miss you Brazil, but I think, just this once, I miss home more.    

UNTITLED 
(because I can)

  

One of my latest paintings. 

My father has never been an ordinary dad. In fact you could probably go as far as to say eccentric, particularly when it comes to knowledge and teaching. 

When my brother and I were in Elementary School, we had to study hours each day during summer, reading history books, watching science shows, practicing multiplication tables all far above our age level. Our science projects were sometimes too complicated for teachers to understand, and certainly far too complicated for my brother and I to fully grasp. And we had to do “touch typing” every day of the summer on one of those really old Macintosh computers where the screen was the size of your hand.

           

I was taught to say “by negligence” instead of “by accident” when I was 5 years old.  Which was then turned into a lesson about how comprehension is situational, since my Kindergarten teacher didn’t understand me when I kept telling her I did it “by negligence”, only because she couldn’t imagine that a five year old would actually know this word. 

In high school my father and I fought a lot since I, like most teenagers, was far more interested in my social life than anything I was learning in school.  When asking him for help with my homework or to study for an exam he would always force me to start at the beginning and spend WAY more time on projects than anyone else.  Not to mention that ASIDE from schoolwork, I still needed to do EXTRA studying in the house, including at one point, watching a movie on the history of trigonometry (something my father watched for fun).   He even had me spend months studying note cards to prepare for the Baby Bar Exam (which I never took).   And in college he read my text books recreationally and insisted on testing me any time we went 5 minutes without talking; while driving, at a restaurant, on the phone... 

Everything my brother and I did was always turned into a lesson, whether we were in a hurry or extremely uninterested, according to my dad it was a necessity to take time to learn…and still is to this day. 

My full name, if I haven’t mentioned prior, is Seren Cleopatra Aspasia Moran.  No, not joking, that’s the name on my driver’s license.  Why you might ask? Because of course this was yet another opportunity to teach a lesson, a lesson from birth.  He wanted both my brother and I to know whom the most influential men and women were in history.  (My brother’s name is Michael Socrates Ulysses Moran.)   So of course, I knew who Cleopatra was and how to spell it before the age 8.  And Aspasia, if you were wondering was Pericles’s mistress, someone to have supposedly greatly influenced him in ruling Greece during the Golden Age. 

I don’t think it’s a surprise to say this can be a real nuisance at times, and exhausting to say the least. But it hasn’t all been bad.  I have to assume that my father is to thank for why today I type an average of 80 wpm; why (aside from a lot of unmentioned side stepping) I got my GED at 16, studied at a city college at that time, and then continued on to get my diploma finishing my last two years of high school in 6 months; why I learned how to play bridge at the age of 11, (and still love and play regularly today); why I joined the chess club at my University; why I (a studio ART major) audited a Plato seminar for graduate students my sophomore year in college reading the Plato dialogs at age 19; why I have a better understanding of the law and my rights than, to be honest, most people of any age, and perhaps even part of the reason that aside from my art I have chosen an additional career path in teaching.   

So, with that short background history of my childhood and my father, it should be no shock that while being 23 years old, living in a foreign country, he still sends me several emails a day of articles and the matter that he either thinks I will be interested in, or, more often, things that I ‘need to know’. (He probably wouldn’t like that I put that in quotes).  I must confess that even having grown up with him, it is still difficult for me to find the time and motivation to read or watch the news (yes I know how shameful that may sound).  But I don’t really need to worry about that too much, since I will certainly be emailed with anything of great (or even not particularly great) importance.

Admittedly, 99% of the time I don’t read the emails.  At the most, if the subject line is interesting I skim the article.  However, last weekend I happened to, somewhat accidentally read one of his emails entirely.  The subject line: “Why Does Apple Inspire So Much Hate?” (http://www.cultofmac.com/172428/why-does-apple-inspire-so-much-hate/)

Now, this would certainly not normally come under my top 5 list of interesting subject topics, and in any other circumstance this email surely would have gone unread and immediately dropped in my “Steve” folder, waiting to perhaps someday be read. 

However, it just so happened that last Sunday was the end of a four-day weekend in result of a Brazilian holiday.  My only plan for Sunday was to paint all day, which was unable to happen because of the break in at my school, which is of course extremely unfortunate in many ways beyond just me not being able to paint. 

But after offering my assistance with the school, my Sunday was left wide open and free.  Everyone I know here was busy and Daniel was obsessively studying for his finals this week, while constantly interrupted with business calls.  I have already helped him as much as I can with his homework, considering it’s in Portuguese.  But I did proudly type up a bunch of his notes and homework, since I type faster than him even in Portuguese, and was a great way to learn how to spell in Portuguese.  Anyway, I figured I would take the time to have a lazy Sunday, eating exotic Brazilian fruits in bed catching up on TV shows I never find time to watch. 

While I was waiting for the final episode of my TV show to load I saw his email.  I figured, what the heck, even though this wasn’t particularly an interesting article to me, why not take a look anyway.

Now I’m pretty sure my father would be disappointed to hear that of all the articles he sends me about the environment, politics, economy, human rights issues, health, philosophies, technological advances, and the rest, that the one article in months that I actually read all the way through was about why people hate Apple.  (I’m also aware that this was a very long explanation as to why I read an email, so I apologize.)

While beginning the article I was still uninterested in the subject, but rather uncharacteristic of me I read further.  I don’t consider myself someone who feels particularly emotionally attached to my having an Apple computer, but the article was surprisingly well written and engaging.

Mike Elgan, the author of this article was discussing how Apple advertises itself as not only being a better computer but presents the idea that the PEOPLE who use apple computers are actually smarter, more sophisticated, creative and innovative PEOPLE.  Something that of course makes non-Apple users angry. While reading this, my first reaction was that this was absurd, and that I in fact did remember their commercial depicting the non-Apple user as this fat old guy, but that I of course in no way shape or form actually have any judgment about non-Apple users.  However, the more I began to think about this the more I realized that I’m not so sure that is accurate.

I was reminded of my first month here. I had broken my charger to my Apple laptop which here costs, used, R$120 to replace, something that costs $5 US dollars on Amazon.  I was struck by how expensive it was, and by the fact that there isn’t even an apple store within a two-hour radius of this city.  I remember my first thought being “welcome to a 3^rd world country”.  I didn’t think anything of it until reading this article.  But, truthfully there was certainly a small part of me that subconsciously made some (very inaccurate) connection between intelligent and sophisticated people using Apple computers and Brazilians perhaps not being this way since they are not accustomed to this brand.  It wasn’t just about money but a judgment about ignorance. 

To add to that, last week, a British man who is now another teacher at the school, came in with the new 2012 Mac book.  Realizing that that was the only other Apple computer I had seen here in brazil, I remember making that same connection. Something I find incredibly shallow and disturbing.

But unlike the purpose of Elgan’s article, I am less interested as to my judgment about Apple or non-Apple users, as I am about how much advertisement influences us, without even knowing it.  Of course what brand of computer you have has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with your creativity and says nothing about your personality except perhaps a few small preferences.  Yet I was subconsciously making this assumption, which made me think, “My god, what else am I out there unfairly and absurdly thinking without realizing it?!”

It isn’t that this is the FIRST time I have realized that we are all manipulated by advertising, but it was just a troubling reminder.  I mean all these advertising companies are sitting around getting paid (a pretty good amount I might add) to pick through our brains of what society says is right, cool, pretty, best, “sophisticated” and then makes money off finding ways to manipulate us into believing it and then of course purchasing. You have the argument, well that is free speech, that is business, that is sales, that is life. But I mean does no one else find that a little sick and frightening?  Does no one else think that perhaps we have gone a little too far?  I mean do I have no freedom to protect my mind from such subconscious manipulation?

A few months before I came to Brazil I watched a movie, Trust.  It’s a really well done movie actually, unsettling but very good.  It was about a 14 year old girl who is molested and raped by a man in his 40’s.  The story is of course more complicated, considering she agreed to it and what not, even though you really can’t hold her accountable.

Anyway, the father of this 14 year old girl in the movie worked for a big advertising company. As the movie showed all these traumatic things happening to his daughter and how she got manipulated into this situation and how devastating it was for the whole family.  Showing how actually quite easy it is for this to happy to all young girls and how impressionable they are.  But all the while, you see him designing these advertisements, of what exactly? Well, extremely skinny and made up young girls dressing sexy and promiscuous portraying women of far more maturity.  Of course paralleling the idea that, as devastating as this was for him to see this happen to his daughter, he too is a contributor to the impressionism and insecurities so many young women have. 

Now, I am of course not suggesting that someone working for an advertisement agency is to be blamed or charged for a molestation and rape caused by a 3^rd party.  But I AM suggesting that while Apple computers’ advertisement is not nearly as harmful but still found a way to sink into my brain, so do so many other far more harmful advertisements.  And as a woman in particular, I certainly feel victimized by the portrayal of beauty pressed upon society, and the many other absurd ideas that are pressed upon us. 

And this is something we are all at least to some extent blind to.  I mean I consider myself rather observant and unaffected by advertising.  I buy my clothes at thrift stores, I don’t pay much attention to brands or what is “in style”, I don’t know most celebrities names, or the singers of most songs I like, or care what rating a movie gets.  But the truth is no one goes un-affected.  If you hear something enough, by enough people, a part of you will probably start to believe it.   

And with technology, although of course there have been unarguably incredibly great advances; there have also been harmful ones.  I remember Daniel’s first week in San Diego.  He mentioned that he was getting a headache from all the billboards and flashing advertisements.  I was quite surprised to hear that actually.  He said he just felt bombarded with them and that it was overloading and exhausting.  It was still hard to understand since not only did it not bother me, I didn’t even NOTICE them.  But not consciously noticing them doesn’t mean I don’t inherently absorb their messages. 

Now, aside from my little society is killing our originality spurt, there was something else Elgan mentioned that inspired some thoughts.  Not so unrelated as it turns out.  At the very end of the article, he mentioned why hate gets created to begin with, suggesting that in fact Apple creates hate because Apple creates love.  Arguing that “love and hate are not opposites,” that the opposite of love and hate is actually indifference. 

Reading that sentence inspired a strong flashback to my Political Science professor my senior year of college, Michael Stoddard.  He was actually a visiting lecturer from Oxford, and taught me more about politics than my 22 years before his class. 

He was the first person I heard suggest that the way we look at politics is all completely wrong.  That we have, what he called a “linear view” of politics, labeling people as “leftists” and “rightists” as if we all exist on some imaginary line going in either direction.  His point was that this linear view is completely wrong because the extremes of both sides, Nazis and Communists for example, are not opposites at all.  That in fact, both extremes are very similar, and that the opposite of these is actually balance.  We could all learn something from both sides.  He suggested that we change the way we think and begin characterizing politics within a ‘circular’ view, in which both extremes would meet and the balance would be on the opposite side.  And I happen to agree with him.

I am constantly frustrated with the way people see politics that if I believe in gay marriage that I must then also be against the war in the middle east…as if those two are at all related.  I mean you can most certainly be conservative on issues and liberal on other issues, and even part and part within the same issue.  (Of course Stoddard would suggest that we abolish the terms of liberal and conservative altogether, but for the sake of explanation I will keep them here).  I can’t tell you how many times I hear people talk about how they don’t agree with a politician because they don’t like the politician but not at all mention what he is actually saying that is wrong.  By all means hate the guy, but can we talk about the real issue?  Can we discuss what he is saying about immigration or foreign policy, and just for one minute forget that he cheated on his wife or whatever else, since while we can judge that if we want, it has nothing to do with immigration.  Can we think for ourselves and decide what is right and wrong without having to belong to a certain group or category?  I’m not naive enough to think it is this simple, but I do believe we can make a stronger effort. 

So, my point? That I love Apple computers and anyone who doesn’t have one is old and stupid and is still thinking linear just as they do in politics.  No I’m totally kidding.  But I do think that there is a certain aspect of originality and individuality that is getting lost in society more and more each year, especially as technology grows.  Not something we need to find for the sake of “being original” because that is just as annoying and destructive, but for the fact that we should work harder at pushing away advertising pressures and political ideologies. And try to perhaps create something that, whether popularly agreed or not, is healthier and better, and most importantly is what we REALLY think, regardless of other people. 

I also realized that I haven’t been writing as much in my blog since I found out that I actually a good amount of readers. This somehow made me feel like I could no longer use this as a journal and now needed to “prove” something, once again somewhat consciously or subconsciously concerned about what other people think.  Or that I somehow needed to have a very specific limitation and theme for this blog, only talking about traveling or just art...Which of course I don't, and in fact being an artist and living in Brazil does not mean that is all I think about.  So here it is, my father’s lesson once again having an effect on me in one way or another.  I look forward to hearing what he thinks of this one :)

A HORSE OF A DIFFERENT COLOR

As much as we can, and surely do, complain about the things going wrong in our country; the idiotic presidential candidates, financial and racial inequality, expensive healthcare and education…and not to say we should stop complaining, but there honestly aren’t a whole lot better places to live in the world. 

Photo I took of the Colosseum

A few years ago, when I first arrived in Italy I was completely mesmerized.  It was magical and I thought I would rather live in Italy than boring old California any day of the week and twice on Sundays.   I fell in love with the country and I think I left a part of my heart there forever.   But as I got to really know the country, not just from a tourist’s view, the Emerald City I saw as Italy began to uncover itself.

Like perhaps Berlusconi’s constant boasting of sleeping with 14 year-old prostitutes.  Or that socially speaking, sexism is still extremely prominent in Italian society (not so different from Brazilian culture as well).  Or the fact that all public facilities including schools are so unorganized that you have to use physical force to move your way through a crowd…

But it certainly isn’t all bad; there are many things the US can learn from Italy as well.  Like the fact that our country is still centered on the concept that “time is money”.  Which although has provided us with a “wealthier” lifestyle, has certainly not provided us a healthier one.  Italians, on the other hand, know how to take care of themselves, relax and enjoy life.  Something I have yet to see corporate America (or even non corporate America) exhibit.  Which might have just something to do with how the US has the highest percentage of obesity in the world. 

Of course every country has upsides and downsides.  But I think we can admit some countries have significantly less quality of life and opportunity.  And until now I knew very little about this because I was always a tourist visiting those countries, Guatemala, Egypt and even the countless times I’ve been to Mexico. 

And sure I could see the poverty and corruption but it never actually sunk in.  And I am aware that being American, it probably never fully will.  But being here NOT as a tourist, but actually living and working here, has brought a whole new light to the reality that exists in the majority of countries in the world.   

It isn’t just about poverty. There are a lot of poor people in the US.  My whole life I have been exposed to these issues.  My mother was a probation officer for 40 years working with clients from some of the poorest places in the Bay Area, and my father (among his many jobs) worked at San Quinton, one of the worst prisons in the country.  Not to mention that neither of them were raised in middle class homes and are both the first in their entire families to go to college.  So growing up I knew that even compared to the poverty within the US I have been quite fortunate.  But all that doesn’t really compare to the poverty in Brazil. 

For the most part as Americans, we are taught to trust people until you are given a reason not to (something we take for granted).  In Brazil (and MOST countries in the world), it is engrained in the minds of almost every citizen that, regardless of social class, you DON’T trust anyone unless they give you a reason to.

Now I’m not sure you realize how that way of thinking effects a person’s mind day in day out.  In fact, I don’t even realize it.  I mean it really creates a completely different view of the world.  It makes people skeptical and cynical and manipulative …and with good reason.  And it’s an extremely exhausting way to live.  To constantly be preoccupied with lying and proactively avoiding getting cheated out of your money. 

At the gas stations, you can never be sure if they are actually giving you what you paid for because most rig the machine to show you are pumping more than you are. Walking in the street you have to always be aware of your surroundings, who is there who isn’t there, where your money is, how much money you have on you, how long that person has been behind you. And I don’t mean to minimize the existing violence and dangers that exist within the US.  But regardless of if you live in Brooklyn or Upper East Side Manhattan, or Hunter’s Point or Sea Cliff San Francisco, when you get gas you likely aren’t worried about if they are robbing you with the machine.  So the issue here really is on a whole other level.

And I have seen this with everyone.  When Karen and I go to buy paint, she constantly reminds me not to show any excitement about the prices, otherwise they will raise them.  When I needed a new cell phone charger, Daniel told me to wait in the car because if they saw how nice I was dressed they would surely charge more.  When finding parking in Sao Paulo, I’m not allowed to speak because if people hear English or even my accent in Portuguese they will probably break into the car looking for money.  Oh and when you get out of the car, a guy asks if you want him to watch it for you and you have to say yes or he’ll break in, which means when you return you also have to pay him.

And I honestly think most of the people here don’t even realize that they spend their life thinking about these things.  Perhaps because they have nothing to compare it to.  And it is so drilled into their minds that even when they leave Brazil, they often still live this way, because it’s the only way they know how. 

I used to really not understand how people could some of these things.  Steal, cheat, lie, and I had very little sympathy for people do.  But now I really see how deceit is contagious, and can be extremely difficult to avoid.  And how most of these people really aren’t given other options.   

It’s like taking a test is school that will be graded on a curve.  You study and study working very hard to prepare but come the day of the test you find out that everyone else is cheating, and the professor (or in this case the government) isn’t doing a damn thing about it. So you know that regardless of how hard you studied, if you don’t cheat you will end up on the bottom of the curve, and fail.  Except that failing the test doesn’t mean you just have to take the class over, it means not being able to pay the rent or provide food for your family.  So what do you do?  Well cheat of course! That is what anyone would do.  And then you take another test later and the same thing happens again and again and soon OF COURSE every time you take a test you cheat, because you were trained that it’s the only way to pass…or  only way to survive. 

It’s this way in most businesses here; a gas station can lower its prices because they aren’t really giving you the amount of gas they show.  So the station that is honest to its customers will end up with no customers unless they too cheat with their product to lower prices.  The same with clothing stores, Daniel and I went to a bunch of clothing stores in Sao Paulo over the weekend to know about the market since he is thinking of opening his own store.  And we found out that all of the privately owned clothing stores selling American brands are illegally importing their goods from the US. When you see the competition for you business is stealing, the only way for your business to stay alive is to steal.  It’s all backwards and messed up and WRONG but that’s how it is.

And that is what I see happening here.  It isn’t everyone, but it is a large majority among the poor of Brazil.  And the fact is that the poor of Brazil is a large majority of Brazil (regardless of how much the rich want to ignore that).  All I am saying is that I understand this more now, how it happens, how complicated it is to fix these problems, and how honestly (with exceptions of course) it is the government to blame and not the individuals (in most cases). 

To show one of the many good things about Brazil
as well...the view can be truly amazing!

I mean the minimum wage here is $3.50 in Reals (Brazilian currency), which doesn’t get you anything.  Food is relatively cheap here, but it’s cheap only when assuming you are making at least a minimum of $8.50.  But everything is expensive when your only making $3.50 an hour.  So you see, the government has structured itself in such a way that you honestly cannot survive on an average income. In fact you can just barely survive on two incomes with that wage.

Now I need to note that I am certainly not promoting the US to be a paradise.  I’m well aware of the endless problems existing within the US; the fact that we don’t have free health care, or that getting a state school education costs over 20 thousand dollars a year, or that the richest people in our country (who are sitting around deciding whether or not to buy a private island), are only paying 2% of their taxes while the poor pay 30%...to name a few examples.  And I am certainly not praising the US on its wonderful value system, especially with our overwhelming consumerism. 

Something I noticed living in Southern California is that they too have their own downward spiral of contagious deceit.  I’m not sure if you are aware, but California is the state with the highest percentage of plastic surgery in the country, and overwhelmingly more prominent in Southern California.  Which I can’t be sure, but it’s probably safe to say that Southern California has the highest rate of plastic surgery in the world.  I have heard people argue it is because of the weather and showing more of your body, or that prices are lower there, or that it’s because of more advertising (gee I wonder why).  But the fact is, plastic surgery, just like the stealing in Brazil, is contagious, and even could be argued as a survival technique (giving the benefit of the doubt).

One person gets so much plastic surgery that she looks like a Barbie and all the guys go crazy.  So the next girl does the same, and soon enough, you are growing up as a girl feeling that if you ever want to get married, then you obviously need look like a Barbie.  And then the fakeness spreads to the men, and they realize that the guy with a Lamborghini is getting all the Barbie girls, so in order to get a girl he needs a Lamborghini… And so the contagion spreads, until you end up with what we call HOLLYWOOD.

I even saw on Bestincosmetics.com an author write that “In Southern California, and especially in Los Angeles, plastic surgery is no longer a luxury but is a way of life.” (http://www.bestincosmetics.com/plastic-surgery/los-angeles.html) And it’s true.  We all affect one another, and society is contagious. No matter how much you don’t want to admit it, the environment you are surrounded by, whether chosen or not, shapes a large part of who you are.

Another amazing thing here-
Sugar Cane Juice

Now as I said, even with all these problems in the US, we really can’t compare to the poverty that exists here in Brazil.  The city Daniel’s father grew up in has a life expectancy rate of 27. TWENTY-SEVEN.  So, although there is a lot I don’t agree with going on in the US, and I will continue to fight for change, I would rather live in a Barbie land paying off student debt for the rest of my life, than die at 27, and go through god knows what before that.  And to put this all into perspective, Brazil is the wealthiest country in South America, and the 8^th largest economy in the world.  So what does that say about the rest of the countries?  

Now I would like to end on the note that although I am understanding the way the systems work, and understanding more of how difficult it is to develop a 3^rd world country, there are still many really great aspects of Brazil.  And like Italy, there also aspects of this country that the US can learn.  And, aside from my commentary, I am still greatly enjoying my time here.  

ART IS LIKE SEX

ART ART ART. Lately that has been all I’ve been thinking about.  


I’m actually quite busy with a lot of other things that could really use my attention. I’m working on getting my visa extension (which unless you have dealt with bureaucracies in other countries you really have no idea what all that entails), I’m still learning Portuguese (an on going process), I’m working each day preparing and teaching my English classes, and the not so small detail that I’m starting my own art school/art classes, the first art school to be taught in English here, and as with any start up business, there is a lot of trial and error and hours of preparation, brainstorming, planning…


So I have a lot of productive and important stuff to be preoccupied with, yet this past weekend my mind has not  been able to escape art…
Of course there are far worse things to be preoccupied with.

Artwork by Kristen Eager Killion, for Keagar Design.
 One of the many works I was inspired by over the weekend.
Titled, "All Tied Up", Acrylic, Rubber, and Plastic on Wood,
36.6 x 78.3"

Out of all the years in college, spent with so many different art professors, one thing people could always characterize me as, without fail, was “responsive”.  If a teacher gave me advice or a suggestion for my work, I ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS did it, even the times when I knew it would make the painting worse (and at times it did), I did it anyway.  And if you are thinking it was all for an A, you would be very wrong. 

Another Artwork by Kristen Eager

In only my second painting class I ever took, the first day of class my professor, unexpectedly (although now I know that everything is to be expected when dealing with artists) asked each of us why we were there.  She was real intense about it, didn’t accept anyone’s answer, pushing farther and farther, "but WHY are you here, for what purpose, NO that answer isn't good enough I want to know WHY?!".  At the end she told everyone, that if we weren’t there to learn, then we need to "get the hell out".  And she wasn’t kidding. 

Another artwork by 

Kristen Eager. 

In that class, I produced less successful paintings, yet learned far more than many of my other classes.  In her class we were stripped down to our very basic abilities, re-learning shapes, lines, colors, forced to paint the very basics of life, like when we literally painted mounds of dirt we brought in from outside.  

THAT is the reason I did everything a professor asked. Not because I wanted an A, but because regardless of how much I admired those who held their heads held high, I was painfully aware that I was extremely naive when it came to the art world.  And regardless of who you are, as a student you are, by definition, less experienced. 

But, I have one confession…the ONE thing I never really did that teacher after teacher pressed upon all the students to do, is look at other artwork.  Now of course I’ve looked at other artwork, I don’t mean to say it never happened, but it wasn’t something I treated as a priority.  

I've always thrived in group critiques, absolutely loving to critique and discuss artwork.  I loved every art history class, debating famous artists intensions, and even tutored AP Art History. While living in Florence, I read Leonardo da Vinci's notebooks, and became mesmerized by his way of seeing the world.  

A piece by artist Mark J. Nesbit.  Titled: One Hundredth
Materials: Plaster, soot, metallic elements and compounds
162.5cm x 152.5cm

And I've always loved galleries and museums, but for some reason it’s been hard for me to actually get in the car and go to them. And I never really went out of my way to look at other artist’s works online or anything of the sort.  Even though if an artist was introduced to me I absolutely loved glancing through all of their pieces.  

I’m not sure what my hesitation about this was…maybe it was a competitive thing, a fear of feeling inferior, self-absorption, or perhaps just laziness…

Who knows why.  But this weekend I began to really search out artwork.   There is a Linkedin artist group page, that I honest to god can’t remember how I became a part of, but this weekend I figured I might as well check out a few artworks.

Another piece by artist Mark J. Nesbit.
Titled: "The Road to Hell (Paved by
Good Intensions)"  Materials: plaster, ash
emulsion, metallic elements and compounds.

Soon it became addictive and I was curious as to what everyone was doing…everywhere in the world and in every medium...only wanting to see more and more.  Some strange and wonderful door opened (that hopefully won’t ever close again) that completely got me engaged and interested in all the current and modern art out there. 

Now, with the risk of sounding arrogant, which hopefully I finesse with my wording…

The fact is there is a lot of REALLY bad art out there.  

Okay I admit I didn’t try too hard to finesse that one.

It seems everyone has a view about what “bad art” is.  You have Oscar Wilde’s, rather harsh, perspective that “Bad art is a great deal worse than no art at all”.  

Or Marc Chagall, “When I am finishing a picture, I hold some god-made object up to it – a rock, a flower, the branch of a tree or my hand – as a final test.  If the painting stands up beside a thing man cannot make, he painting is authentic, if there’s a clash between the two, it’s bad art.”  

Or the very optimistic and overwhelmingly popular view that “there is no such thing as bad art.” 

Artist Ian MacLeod inspirational mixed media painting.
Titled: Composition #199, Materials: acrylic, paper,
plastic, varathane.  16" x 16"

Now, with as much respect as I give to Chagall, I think I have to agree with comedian, Scott Roeben on this one:  “Sex is like art, most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.”  Humorous but true. At least with art.

However, regardless of “good” or “bad” art, it needs to be said that I truly do believe that art is as much about the process as it is the result.  And that everyone, regardless of ability, should produce art, if nothing more, to just express himself or herself freely.  And I support and encourage any and all people to pick up a paintbrush and do anything that comes to them.

Another favorite from Ian MacLeod, 16" x 16"
Titled: Composition #188, Materials: acrylic, paper, plastic

With that said...when talking solely about the 'result' or 'product' of art...there is a lot of REALLY bad art out there.  However, contrary to Oscar Wilde's opinion, I don't see anything wrong with it.  It's just bad.  That's it.  In fact I have to completely disagree with him and stick by my previous blog post that if you want to get better you need to practice, therefore if you want to make good art you have to make bad art.  So instead motivating yourself by saying "there is no such thing as bad art," what you should be saying is, "of course there is bad art, and of course I've DONE bad art, because bad art makes good art possible."

Now, I didn't just see bad artwork, I of course liked at least some of the work I saw.  Which actually turned into a great inspiration for me.  

For a long time now I have been wanting to explore mixed media in my work, but for whatever reason (fear…insecurity…or whatever other obstacles us artists subconsciously create for ourselves) I never really felt that comfortable actually starting it. 

But yesterday morning, I did.  I just went for it.  I got out some glue and put on some cardboard and newspaper and went crazy.  Then painted over it doing whatever…and it felt good.  It’s certainly not my best work ever created (and certainly not finished), but its always difficult starting something new.  And you can’t expect it to look as good as the work you’ve been perfecting for years.  

Anyway, I don’t think it is a coincidence that I felt comfortable doing this yesterday after all the artwork I viewed over the weekend….probably connected...So, the moral of the story…ALWAYS ALWAYS listen to your teachers! NO EXCEPTIONS!

Since there is nothing WRONG with bad art, I don't see any reason I shouldn't share my first attempt at mixed media.  Only the first stage, and somewhat conventional in material use (particularly compared to the artists featured on this blog).  Who know what direction it will go in...but an experiment none the less.  

AN EASTER CELEBRATION OF 

RE-BIRTH

...WHATS NEXT?

Last week I was getting lunch with Thiara the mall and on our way back to the parking lot, she asked if I had been in this baby store near the exit.  When I told her I hadn't she insisted we drop in just to show me the store.  I wasn't particularly interested in a baby store and was somewhat curious as to why she would think i would be. 

When we walked in I saw a dozen babies laying in beds and baskets with pacifiers, bibs, blankets, and toys.  It looked just like a home nursery except with a lot of babies...and in a mall.  Looking around the store I became increasingly concerned as to what all these babies were doing in a store...in a MALL!  My first thought was, "Oh my god, are these abandoned babies for people to adopt and they are selling them life freaking toys in a mall!??!"

The fact that I could even consider this may come as a surprise, but I really didn't know what to think.  Not to mention that while I was living in Florence, one day walking home, I casually passed by a "baby drop box" on the side of a building in the middle of an alley.  


I really thought it was just a joke, a very elaborate joke at that, until weeks later when I was informed that it was very much NOT a joke and in fact the Italian government's response to the many abandoned babies found dead in the streets of Florence.  


In Italy, and many other countries for that matter (Japan, Russia, Germany...) you can actually anonymously drop off your abandoned baby in this box in the street.  It's like this; you put the baby in the box, and either the box is connected to a hospital, or as the ones in Florence, it is just on the side of a building and it triggers an alarm that the nuns (or in the case of a hospital the nurses) rush to collect the baby.  


I was pretty disturbed to see that in Italy.  However, on one hand I think that IF there are mothers or fathers out there that don't want their child (which in itself is a very difficult concept to grasp) and they are so ashamed to give the baby to an agency that they are leaving their babies to die in an ally, I suppose its a good thing that there is an anonymous and safe place for them to leave the baby...I suppose.


On the other hand, without intension of making this a political blog, and yes this is coming from a typical San Francisco liberal, but wouldn't it be better to just make abortion legal?  I mean if there are people willing to actually kill their babies leaving them on the streets or in trash cans, and it's SO COMMON that they need a baby drop box...then there are likely even more women neglecting their kids in other ways, less obvious but also extremely harmful.  Again, not to be overly political on a travel blog, but I think I would prefer to live in a country that allows a woman's right to choose rather than one that needs baby drop boxes.


(If you want to learn more about the baby drop boxes, you can look up 'baby hatch' on wikipedia)

Anyway back to the baby store at the mall, after seeing the baby drop boxes in Florence, I really could believe that perhaps something as potentially disturbing as a orphan store actually selling and advertising babies like merchandise could exist...I mean who knows?  

But, to my surprise Thiara said, "Os bebes nao sao de verdade", meaning the babies aren't real.  At the time the most likely possibility was that I didn't understand since the babies were so obviously real, but then I realized none of these babies were moving or making noise.  I really couldn't believe it, but when I walked closer to the shelves of babies, I realized that they were in fact baby dolls made of plastic, but were made to look so damn realistic that from only a five to ten feet distance they were as good as real.  Although it was certainly a relief they weren't selling real babies like merchandise, the store was still creeping me out.

THIS IS NOT A REAL BABY. THIS IS NOT A REAL BABY. THIS IS NOT A REAL BABY.

But wait, because it actually gets worse...

Not only do these baby dolls look creepily realistic, you can actually bring in a PHOTO of your baby and have them make an exact replica! Now that is just going too far.  I mean honestly, if my parents were storing a seren faced and recreated baby in the attic or worse on display somewhere in the living room, I really would not be comfortable with that.

And did I mention how much these cost?...$2,000 to $3,000, yea that is two to three THOUSAND. So aside from the fact that someone came up with the idea to create this, which is already bizarre, the fact that there is even a market for it in this city where people are spending $3000 on a fake baby is even more disturbing!

Now I had to ask what kind of person would even be interested in this.  


Thiara said firstly that a lot of young girls who play with baby dolls want these because it makes them feel so much more realistic.  This reason I can excuse because as a kid girls love to play house and these things, and I probably would have loved to have a baby that looked so real.  (Okay, it still doesn't excuse the parent's that are spending $3000 on a toy for their daughter...but I'll give this one a pass)


The second reason is that mothers want to have a replica of their baby as a baby for the rest of their life.  This reason is a little less easy to understand.  I mean don't you think technology has gone a little too far this time? Or maybe not, maybe people felt this way about photography when it was first invented and that it would be weird to hold on to a photo of your baby forever...but I don't think so since there were paintings before that capturing the images of babies and people forever...anyway I really don't see this as the same thing.


And the third reason, the most disturbing, is that apparently women who can't have kids like to buy these babies to pretend...yea that reason goes over the top and way out of the reality.  


On the up side, Thiara and I decided that if people in this city have enough money to blow $3000 on a plastic baby doll then they certainly have enough money to buy some paintings...haha we'll see.

HAPPY EASTER!

Another grossly realistic baby, this one to look like a newborn...

A VIDA COMO PINTORA

(life as a painter)

Deciding what to paint is always such a process, especially when I haven't painted for a while.  I had done a lot of thinking and sketching in the weeks before this in preparation for when I would have a studio, but the truth is thinking and planning your artwork will never get you as far as actually DOING it will. 

My studio here in Indaiatuba, and just the start of some new paintings.

I actually just finished a book that talked about this, “Art and Fear”. It spoke about a pottery teacher who separated his class in two, explaining that half the class would be graded ONLY on the quantity of pottery made (that if you made 50 pots by the end of the semester and everyone else made less, regardless of how well the pots were done, you receive an A, simple enough) and the other half would be graded ONLY on the quality (that they need ONLY to make one pot the whole semester and would be solely graded on how well that one pot turned out.)

Stage one of painting of
corner building in Sao Paulo.

But here's the kicker, at the end of the semester who made the best pots?...the group that would be graded on quantity.  Why?  Because, simply put, practice makes perfect.  While the quality group was sitting around thinking about how to make a perfect pot, the quantity group was getting to work...and learning how to do it.  So...contrary to what philosophers might argue, thinking really doesn't get you as far as doing.  

For years I've noticed this problem in art classes.  I have seen countless numbers of my peers produce somewhat amateur work and complain that it doesn't come easy to them, or worse, spend their time worrying about whether or not they are 'talented' enough.  Which is flat out a waste of time, whether you are talented or not is essentially irrelevant.  There are many people in the world who are 'talented' and yet don't produce anything, while many people who aren't particularly 'talented' become extremely successful.  The bottom line is, if you work more and think less you will save yourself a lot of trouble.  

Stage one of painting of typical Brazilian neighborhood.

It's not complicated yet people don't do it, I dont get it.  If you want to be a better painter, paint.  If you want to be a better soccer player, play soccer, if you want to be a better scientist, practice science, if you want to be better at a language, study.  Spending your time giving credit to words like "inspiration" and "talent" only place doubt in your mind, holding you back from your potential.  

I once had some classmates actually say to me during a critique, "You don't understand because it comes easy to you."  This is what frustrates me. They are dismissing my hard work as talent, or the not so subtle underlying meaning of luck.  But again regardless of if you are talented or not, it is the hard work that makes the end result.  And I might add, everything gets easier the more you do it.  We can assume that in the pottery class there were probably talented people in both groups of quality and quantity as well as not so talented people in both groups.  But as the study proves, although talent surely plays some role in success, it is time and effort that matters more.  So of course it looks like it comes easy to me, because I have worked extremely hard for it to look that way.  

Stage one of painting of Brazilian small
town streets. 

As my high school dance teacher always said, if it looks hard to do, you aren't doing it right.  When watching ballerinas leap across a stage as if they were born to leap rather than walk, you escape into the fantasy forgetting completely about the years of training that must have gone into just that one spin or step.  Yet the second one of them falls, suddenly you are taken out of the moment and into the reality that, regardless of it's polished performance, it actually is very difficult to do. 


It's the same with painting.  Most viewers think they could paint any abstract painting, because of its simple color and shapes.  And yea anyone can mix colors and draw shapes, but not in the way a great painter can.  Just as anyone can jump on a stage in a tutu but not in the way a ballerina can.  

Back to my point, I don't know what I want my painting series in Brazil to be, but for now I’m just getting to work and will see where it takes me.  I do know, however that I don't want to paint people, at least not for now.  After my last series, I am exhausted from portraits and need to do something with more freedom.  So for now I have started painting scenery and archeticure from various cities and neighborhoods here in Brazil...I will see where to go from there when the time comes.  Maybe it will just warm me up for something else or maybe it will turn into my main direction, who knows?  But Im enjoying it, and Im working, what more is there?

Not sure what stage...of painting of poorer neighborhood in Sao Paulo.